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Text - Humor - Sesame Street in Flames.txt
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2003-08-15
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Sesame Street in Flames
IMPORTANT BREAKING SESAME STREET NEWS!
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, has
apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead; including
Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend, room- mate, and
occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a
five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams have
surrounded the building.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this hour
after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City Police. Kermit-The-
Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five
story tena ment building where the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew
out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units
brought down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie
Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information available
concerning Maria.
NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists, have
reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by Police
early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame Street.
Maria, taken hos tage during the ordeal, has survived unharmed. Three muppets
were killed by the bird: Prarie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child),
Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the
famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area
report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away from
Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets. Many
reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police handled
the hostage situat ion. According to bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr.
Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead,
police stormed the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent
at the loss of his good buddy B ert.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o'clock this
afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour of the
scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds of muppets,
large and sma ll, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at
least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with
large, styrofome letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this
hour, quiet is restored -- b ut tensions are very high.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street.
Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets ranging
in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper's Store and
firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue firelight is rising over
many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and
letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from
windows high above the stree t with counting and alphabet songs.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street after
a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street, lifeless,
crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the night of wild outrage. Unknown
numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by Police in full riot gear.
Here and there, a muppet--still animated with life--can be seen staring at the
wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running
down the street crying and yelli ng, :"Ten, Ten Lifeless Mupput Bodies!" No
humans were killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-
burns.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet Bert,
broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet funeral.
The following is the complete transcript of his address:
<quote>
I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions
thoughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip collection
was viewed with awe by many of the world's leaders. Just one year ago, as
President Clinton campa igned on Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert
who everone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can
hang as many paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the
country."
I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature. His
large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was his
innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird wouldn't have
wanted us to rem ember him, or to memorialize him, with violence. All he ever
wanted was for all creatures to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has
come to a bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault. It was just some bad
seed.